do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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