that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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