hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Randomize
