its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
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I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
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I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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