I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
