Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
