In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Randomize
