I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I missed Saved by the Bell this morning, but Ashley in a later episode of Fresh Prince is keeping the morning wood alive.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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