Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
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