she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
