remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Randomize
