I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
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