farters have to be the big spoon...
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
