i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
i came on her dog
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
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