i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
