Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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