Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
