Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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