I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
