New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I have aggressive nipples.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize