I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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