I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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