I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
