how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
