Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
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She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
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I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
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