i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Randomize
