didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
