I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
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