omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
