Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Randomize
