allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Randomize
