I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
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