Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
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