My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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