1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
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