eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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