you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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