There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
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