I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
