I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
