i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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