Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
