He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
