no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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