Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
