so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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