somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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