Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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