I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Just invented taco cereal.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
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