While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
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I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
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Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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