wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
