Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
