Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Less talking, more tequila
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
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