I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Every concussion has its silver lining
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Randomize
