he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
