god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
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She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
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Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?