He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.