She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.